Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
