I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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