I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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