my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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