I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
