I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
