You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
