whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
