This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
