I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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