I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
