Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize