If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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