remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
