If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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