Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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