how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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