I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
