I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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