I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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