I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
