just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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