the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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