"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
