I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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