Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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