Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
