I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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