I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
