i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
