it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize