so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
