my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
babies were throwing up all over the place
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
