Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
