before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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