she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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