somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
