this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
