So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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