Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
