You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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