Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
