why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
