You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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