Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
