I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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