my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
