dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
