C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
