God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
