Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
