The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
